I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Usage Guidelines
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.