I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.