If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?