Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
plums roundup
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade