Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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ME: finally a program for me
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If a snake ate a cake
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.