*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.