“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Hotels are back
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*