Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Every time my phone rings
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
But that’s none of my business
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless