Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
me after eating Cheetos
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.