Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Matt Goss
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer