Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.