If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Breaking news:
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.