I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
goldfish mafia
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Has science gone too far?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Perfect
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high