two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
dutch is not a serious language
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
good work, everybody
When your man makes a valid point
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find