Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
gm
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it