Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.