“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
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Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Cheers Twitter.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.