my name is luke but my friends dont call me
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.