Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
2022: I can fix it
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
m’lady
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.