If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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#math
britain’s three elite institutions
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Happy Thanksgiving
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!