Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
2022 will be better than 2021
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020