Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit