therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
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toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…