am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.