I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it鈥檚 pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you鈥檙e on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don鈥檛 say that, you鈥檙e drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 馃拃
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you鈥檝e ever wondered about the joys of parenting
cats when you pet them too long:
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.