Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Breaking news:
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.