HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
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ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.