left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Mmmm. Shoeshi
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”