I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later