Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
After 35, your body ages in dog years
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house