Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.