No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
a badder mouse
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.