[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.