Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists