I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
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I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes