I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…