4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?