Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
You Might Also Like
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”