[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.