The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
We need more people like this.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?