“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.