Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Put this video in the Louvre
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.