The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Meme Monday.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Happy Halloween 🎃
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday