I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
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There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
HOW DARE YOU
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.