Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.