smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn