There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding