[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.