Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.