If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
no
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
This classic never gets old . . .
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works